I have heard some beautiful stories and had the loveliest feedback from you all over the last week about my stories so far. Today I will be sharing my story on Eva. My one and only daughter Eva Poppy has many personalities. Mostly likely because she is female, however after having a boy and a golden textbook type baby, I honestly felt like we were first time parents again. Except this time I was thrown into way deeper water and felt like I was getting smashed with every challenge. Tortured by morning sickness my ENTIRE 41 weeks of pregnancy and then crying non stop for the first six weeks of her life, Eva was a huge shock to the system. Eva is still as independent as the day she was born but she is the most caring and loving child to anyone no matter their gender or age. The things that come out of her mouth constantly baffle me as to how she knew them and how mature she is. She is an incredible little artist and takes note of everything. She has a huge group of friends and if there is someone she can look after like a mother she will. I'm pretty sure she is the reason Franklin enjoys staying a baby although a giant one.
We moved to Sydney from Adelaide in pursuit of a new life for our family and a new career move for Cam. Jack was almost 11 months old and after finding a house to live and settle in for a month, we took another long drive back to Adelaide for Christmas and to celebrate Jack's 1st Birthday. On our drive there I was hit with complete exhaustion and horrid car sickness. We had to toilet stop one hundred times more than we had on our previous drive and I figured I either had a stomach bug or was just exhausted from the giant move and all the lead up to it.
We arrived in Adelaide and all I wanted to do was sleep and every smell and taste made my tummy churn. At Jack's birthday I hid in a bush vomiting in a bag and my mum put her arm around me and asked if I was pregnant. I couldn't even remember having sex, Cam and I had been so busy (not that kind of busy) in the space of two months trying to settle in to Sydney. I can't be pregnant I don't think I have even looked at Cam in two months. looking at my calendar, my period wasn't even due for another 2 weeks either.
A trip to the doctors and awaiting results of the blood test we found that we were two weeks pregnant. I literally began vomiting from conception. Two weeks later I couldn't help myself but pee'd on a stick to doubly make sure and I was definitely pregnant.
So that began my 41 weeks of pregnant hell. I threw myself out of bed every morning to stuff my face from starvation only to hurl it back up in the toilet 10 minutes later. I was a disgusting cycle of eating and spewing and every advice I got from when it was going to stop I hung on to only to find those weeks came and went without change. This was stuck with me until the end. Jack, a one year old toddler began role playing games of coughing into buckets he got out of the plastic cupboard. I hid the buckets and sticky taped his bottom to the floor in front of Disney movies where he pretty much stayed for ten months. Judge all you like but I promise if I could have stood vertically for more than two minutes he wouldn't have.
Every sudden moment I felt ok, we were out. I hated being trapped at home so walks, parks, shops and friends houses kept me entertained and the time passing quickly... well quicker. She was by far my longest pregnancy. I counted everyday!
Getting into the hospital care part of the story, I was really torn at what I wanted to do so got my research on. I had had the best post baby care with Jack. The midwives were so lovely, the head of the ward who I mentioned who took care of me, gave Jack and me a present each and her number for any help and said she even asked permission to do that because in 30 years of midwifery she had never done that before. Whether she had or hadn't we felt loved and well cared for. However as you read my story of my labour with Jack, the pre baby care absolutely sucked. Every doctor and obstetrician I talk to now shakes their head or hugs me. You should have been induced within 24 hours, you should have been on antibiotics in case of infection, you may not have had to have a caesarean if you were properly cared for. These words rang in my ears and I developed a huge fear to go back to that experience again. I made a nice dinner for Cam and showed him lots of love before laying on him that we were going private this time and I wanted to see an Obstetrician.
Our ob was awesome and he was known around Sydney with a fabulous reputation. He was funny which completely relaxed me and he constantly reassured me that there was no reason why this baby couldn't come out naturally. My biggest goal. Towards my due date he got me seeing an ex midwife who ran an acupuncture clinic for pregnant women. This was to help kick start my labour but was also hugely beneficial to the horrid sciatica I was suffering from. We were given a TENS machine to help with pain relief as having an epidural was another theory we added to not being able to have Jack naturally. Everything he gave me and suggested I do, I did. I wanted this baby to come out naturally so badly, It was all I focussed on.
38 weeks and I got some pretty heavy pains. My back started to hurt and every 20 minutes I had a bout of bad period pain. I was starting labour and early too! My mum had just arrived to help while I was in hospital so the timing was good. We went for walks up our enormous hill to keep things going and get them moving quickly. Six hours later though, the pain started to go away and when I sat in a warm bath to relax myself they were gone. I sobbed.
A second attempt with acupuncture and the midwife checking me over predicted my body would probably have another try in a few days which took me to the day before my due date. Sure enough the pain started and we prayed it would stay. I walked around and rolled my tired butt on the fit ball. We ate spicy food and I stood in a hot shower until I almost fainted. Laying down in bed after draining every ounce of energy I had, I woke up a few hours later vomiting and no early labour pains. Something wasn't right and my hopes of this baby coming naturally ended.
I negotiated one more week of trying to a reluctant ob who booked a c-section for the following Friday and saying that was it. As much as I tried to stay positive and calm, I was crushed inside and over taken by the big fat failure word. Now please don't mistake my appreciation and gratefulness for my children. I have many friends who tried for years to have theirs so I am well aware of how blessed I am. However this story is about my personal feelings at the time and I am sharing because I know I am not alone in this. I have no issue with c-sections what so ever, I just really wanted to experience pushing out a baby. Everyone has something they want to do or wished they experienced. Well this is mine so please don't think I'm ungrateful for my three little blessings because I'm not.
Friday came and I packed my bags, cried big fat tears into Jack's curls and kissed him a million time before getting into the car. My anxiety went from high to through the roof as did my sadness. I was so caught up in trying to go into labour I hadn't prepared myself for leaving Jack; something I had never done before. It killed me.
Sitting on the hospital bed and waiting for my turn to come, which constantly kept getting pushed back, I grew more and more weary and depressed. You see this pregnancy came with hit after hit as I mentioned at the beginning. I won't go too much into it as it's a whole different story to tell and want to focus on the caesarean experience. During my pregnancy my dad was diagnosed with cancer and died a very short few months later. We flew back and forth to Adelaide with Jack and my pregnant belly, morning sickness and all and a deep terrifying feeling that my dad, my second favourite person in the world was never going to meet his grandchild. Both He and I earlier in the year sitting over coffee with Jack on his lap eating a donut talked on the little one in my tummy being a girl. I can imagine you having another little Kelly and we will bringing a cabbage patch doll to the hospital just like you had when you were little. I was so set on having a girl (we didn't find out) that I even took pink clothes to the hospital. He died nine weeks before she came and it tore me apart. Arriving back in Sydney after his funeral I had no one to talk about him to when Cam was at work because no one knew him. I had a toddler not even two and I was about to have a baby. The grief got pushed down to the pit of my belly to stay until I could deal with it. This all started to rear itself whilst waiting to go in and I was one huge ball of stress that was about to burst.
Just in time it was the moment to take me in and as I laid there and waited for the scream I suddenly no longer cared about how desperate I was to have this baby naturally I just wanted him or her to be in my arms. As the baby screamed Cam's face had said it all and I had a little girl held up in front of me. My little Eva Poppy was alive and healthy and that was all that mattered to me. I'm sure you can guess who her middle name is named after which she now understands as the most special thing in the world and holds onto that as her gift because she never got to meet my dad. Her Poppy. I wish she did so much because like my Dad had predicted she is a little me and he would have absolutely adored her. My beautiful mum even walked into the hospital holding a cabbage patch doll that Eva renamed Poppy later on and never lets go of.
So Eva's story was a completely different experience altogether. I spent a lot of time thinking my stress, desperation, sadness and grief played a part in her not coming naturally but the obstetrician had said that Jack had caused too much tissue damage and she had her cord caught around her neck. She was never going to come out naturally and I learned to deal with that very quickly because I knew if there was to be a next one, I was not going to get a choice this time.
If you have had a c-section or about to have your first bubba or like me hoping your second will be natural after a previous caesarean then let me encourage you to stay calm and enjoy the time you have pregnant as much as you can. I actually love being pregnant. It is one time that I never feel self conscious and love how I look. Don't be like me though and get so caught up in trying one way that you make no room for any other option because in the end you might not get one. If you want to share your story with others please feel free to comment below. If you want to share your story personally or ask any questions or talk about how you are feeling you are welcome to email me at firstname.lastname@example.org I will be happy to listen or help or support you if I can.
If you have missed the last couple of blogs on my caesarean stories feel free to flick back through and read them. On Wednesday I will be finishing up caesarean awareness month with my story on Franklin. Another completely different experience with a result we were not expecting.
© The Realistic Mum
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