Remember reading all those books and sitting around your friends with kids talking about their days of parks, cafes and window shopping? What an amazing life that sounded like. Work free, stress free and enough of a social life to make your head burst.
Hold up!... Did I miss some other details?
Firstly, I think my lovely friends and sisters failed to mention the pain and trauma of GETTING A GIANT BABY OUT OF YOUR FRONT BUM! Did anyone actually stop and say is this possible? I struggle with a tampon let alone a 32cm head that is attached to a 56cm body. The pictures in the books seemed logical enough. I had heard enough labour stories to understand it hurt, but OMG!
It’s then one thing to lose all your dignity but sleep as well. I love my sleep. I actually smile when I get in bed at night and snuggle into my fluffy quilt. Two of my favourite items are my pj’s and ugg boots, and both relate to going to bed. I can’t function without sleep and once again missed an incredibly vital piece of information. You will wake between 3 and 40 times a night to your baby!
On to the Washing; oh my Gosh! How can something so tiny expand our once a week white and colour wash to everyday. Half the time, I’m sure I just left Jack in what he was wearing through the night. They are wrapped the whole time so nobody is going to see their outfit.
Let's talk about food. It’s been 20 minutes and I'm starving again. Food has consumed my every thought and each meal has turned into an entrée, main and dessert with a snack in between. I thought that was just pregnancy and why wasn't I losing 5kg’s every time I breastfed? ‘Don’t worry Kell, the 20kgs you just put on eating for two will fall off you.’ I must have missed that gene. Now back to annihilating the lasagne cooked for us for tonight’s dinner. Woopsy!
Why do I still look pregnant? I need to take Jack everywhere with me in case I'm asked when the baby’s due. It is also possible I could lose a finger into the giant wobbly blob that is now my belly as I poke it to see if my stomach muscles have closed. What am I even looking for to say yes or no anyway?
The kid free escape plan. We have no milk and bread, this is my chance. Running to the door I scream ‘just popping to the shops, the baby is fine.’ I’m free! I have never been so excited to see Coles. Oh Coles how I love you! Milk and bread are in hand after only 10 minutes... I need more time. There are ten aisles and I may need something I can’t think of right now so will just wonder down each one. Baby is due in two hours, plenty of time!
I have been out of the house a total time of 45 minutes and return to shower my little love with kisses. ‘Mummy missed you so much, I love you little angel.’ I stare at his little unknowing face. You have turned my world upside down and I wouldn't have it any other way.